Some of my favorite Demetri Martin jokes:
- I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' "Dude, these are isotopes." "Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine." "Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies."
- 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'
- I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
- I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
- Graffiti... I don't like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like "Oh, that's how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn't have known if I had not walked by there, thank you." Graffiti's the most passionate literature there is, you know? It's always like "Bush sucks!", "U2 Rocks!". I want to make indifferent graffiti. "Toy Story 2 was okay!" "I like Sheryl as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further." "This is a bridge!"
- A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"
- If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.
- I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."
- Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.
- The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.