- "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
- "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
- "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas
- "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
- "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
- "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
- "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
- "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
- "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang
- "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand
- "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
And my favorite...
George Bernard Shaw, in a letter to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
Winston Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."