George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

It's never just a game when you're winning.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.